It’s been years since I have been out riding my bike. I have a nice Trek bike Curt bought me years ago, but bike riding seemed like something that belonged to a whole other life time…..a time when Curt was here and we rode the country roads together. When we rode together we would always compete against each other, he usually won, but I would love it when I beat him up a hill on occasion. That was just how we were, always trash talking each other, laughing and doing stuff together.
But for years….. my bike sat collecting dust in our garage.
A few weeks ago, while cleaning out the garage, on an impulse I took my bike for a spin around our neighborhood. The front brake was broken, but otherwise it was still in nice shape.
The next day I shoved it in the back of my van and went to our local bike store to get the front brake fixed. I then headed out to an old trail we used to ride together.
It felt weird to be back on that bike….a whole lifetime has happened since I last rode it. The old trail I rode, was now all over grown, the trees were huge, it looked and felt so different. As I rode the floodgates opened and I cried as I biked along that ole beloved trail alone.
Things are so different from the days of Curt and I riding together, laughing, and racing each other on the trails.
I was on my bike, out doing something I love.
I rode my bike (and quickly realized the overgrown trail isn’t the only thing that changed, I am so out of shape!)
I rode my bike.…..I know, I repeated myself.
But friends do you see the accomplishment here?!?
For the last year or so I have been in a bit of a funk. A huge cocktail of crazy emotions, loss, grief, worry, weariness. I was drinking those spirits daily and struggling. But a simple bike ride down the memory trail of life seemed to bring gradual healing.
It has been a long 7-8 years of dealing with this wretched disease. Many days over the past year I just wanted to stay in bed, to overwhelmed by the daily task at hand, and simply not motivated enough to embrace all that life was throwing at me. I would play mindless word games on my phone, look at Facebook, watch TV anything to avoid dealing with life and it’s many issues and emotions.
Grief and loss are powerful, they knock you down and paralyze you.
This past year for the first time since this crazy journey started, my life slowed down a bit and was not as chaotic crazy. Therefore, the powerful emotions of the loss I have endured overtook me and knocked me down.
But, as I have found it’s a process and sometimes you must endure hardships and difficulties in order to emerge from them. I have asked many times….. God where are you? God please help! God I hate this, can’t your make it better? I have made it clear to Him that I am tired and weary and need a break…..and yet, I have often felt simply silence from God. Ugh, and what do you do with that?!
Well you learn to embrace the process, to look for God in the small ways where He continues to provide. God is not a genie who will pop out of a bottle and satisfy all our whims and our desires. Honestly could you imagine if He gave us everything we wanted. 🙂 Gosh I would have that mountain cabin, and the nice beach home and plenty of opportunities to visit them. Oh and throw in the new kitchen also. 🙂
If we were given all we wanted in this world, we would settle for this world, not the hope of heaven and greater things to come.
It’s never easy dealing with loss, crisis, grief, weariness and the gripping fears and worries. Trust me I have known them all…..but there is also a time to Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding of the matter (Proverbs 3:5 Sandy Version).
That Trust is hard, but it is also as I am learning, it’s powerful and starts to bring healing so you also can get back on your bike and ride this roller coaster of life.
I am hoping to write a little more on this old blog of mine, it’s been so long….but I am slowly emerging from my cocoon to embrace the opportunities God has given me. Just in time for the the new school year! 🙂 Learning to walk in the Trust of the Lord and His promises.
Fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith! (2Timonthy 4:7 SV)
It’s a fight friends and a powerful struggle, but keep the Faith….I can now say with unwavering faith that God is good and provides even when it’s hard!! I have not always felt that way and had to walk for several months in that dark cave of life, slowly, very slowly walking toward that light at the end. I have finally found my way there. Keep walking friends if you are struggling….keep walking towards the light. God is in it, even when you question everything and feel so abandoned….keep walking. ❤
*Quick Curt update* He is well cared for at a wonderful local skilled nursing facility. It’s literally a half mile from our house! While the financial burden is still there, I am so thankful he is close and so loved by the staff. He has been more agitated the last month not quite sure why, if he is in pain, or simply hallucinating and has general agitation. He is moving so much he keeps sliding down his wheelchair and needs to be pulled up all the time and is still so strong he keeps breaking his wheelchair! He is still a happy guy though and laughs a lot…..for that I am thankful.