Oh my the last time I wrote a blog post was in September!
4 months since I posted on this ole blog of mine.
Where do I start so much has happened…
I have been so busy….
I have been overwhelmed and honestly, tired.
Tired of living in chaos, tired of always being tired, tired of dealing with migraines, tired of being responsible for everything, tired of making decisions on my own…………
Where do I start……Let me start with Josh……….
I was at our local Target one night a few weeks ago. I hear a voice calling out my name, as I glance in the direction of the voice, I see a young special needs man waving at me with a big smile on his face. I recognized him, but I just could not remember his name. I was confused, I didn’t think he was one of my former students, but how do I know him I wondered?
I went over to say Hi, and he gives me a big hug, and immediately says, “where is Mr. Morris?” It’s then I noticed the young man is wearing an Eagles football hat. Then it hits me………..
This is NOT one of MY former students, this was a student that Curt used to love to trash talk football with while he had cafeteria duty. This young man attended our high school before I started teaching the special needs group I have now.
He wanted to see Curt, not me, I was hopefully just a way to get to Curt. Josh was so eager to talk football, it all spilled out, he wanted me to tell Mr. Morris all of it, every bit of his onslaught of trash talk. “Don’t forget anything I told you, tell him all of it” he prodded me with an exuberant smile on his face as I turned to leave.
I cried as I walked out of Target into the brisk, cold wind of that gloomy evening. I thought, Oh how I miss Curt, how I wish he could trash talk football with everyone (and trust me he did it well!). I miss him around the house, I miss him watching Fox News while I was still trying to sleep on school mornings, I miss him yelling at the TV during football season, I miss his drum playing, heck I even miss him while shopping at Target. I know you are thinking he is still here, but really, so much of him is gone.
I yearn for those engaging glimpses of his fun sense of humor when I visit. I love seeing his hands start moving to play drums when I play music, I love when I see his sweet smile and how he tells me every time he sees me he loves me.
But that is all they are……glimpses.
I have heard people say when a spouse has Alzheimer’s, it’s like being a “married widow.” That is a good way of explaining it.
And that I think accounts for my lack of blogging lately…….simply, I am tired and overwhelmed.
It’s been a long 4 years, Oct 1st 2010 Curt was diagnosed, but Alzheimer’s had been lurking in the shadows for at least 2 years before that. I have been the one leading the family charge for sometime now, getting the kids through sports, college visits, teaching them to drive, college apps, paying the bills, walking the dog, laundry, car repairs and car wrecks, yard work, back surgery, emergency appendectomy, two broken ankles for Tyler….oh the list goes on and on and on……
But I have also learned that is exactly where God wants me to be at a loss, having no strength to press on. Realizing I can NOT do this on my own.
It is only as I daily seek His strength can I muster the daily fortitude to get up and press on. When I lose that focus on the Lord I tend to grasp at frustration, negativity and hopelessness. It’s such an easy ploy when life throws you more than you can handle.
As I embark on 2015, I am taking a moment to reflect on this journey, to focus on how God has met our needs in ways I could never have imagined, and how I have learned that He alone gives me strength daily to lift my head and press on! So today as I head back to school after a much needed break, I am thankful for the many lessons learned on this journey. Including a big one, a constant reminder that my ultimate goal is not to be able to fix everything and control everything but to simply seek first the kingdom of God and commune with Him and trust God to take care of the rest!
Happy 2015 Friends!
So much has gone on with Curt in the last few months as he continues to decline. He was placed on hospice care about a month ago. He had lost a lot of weight and has struggled. But hospice care has been a real help and support. I am going to leave you with this video link from a TV interview I did a few months ago on having a spouse with Alzheimer’s. Just click on the blue link to view it and see the article.
WGAL The New Face of Dementia
And hopefully I will be back here blogging again
before 4 months pass 😄
Sandy, I cried when I read this post. Sigh……I know what it is to be a widow, but not a married widow. I can only imagine how difficult that must be…..but, through it all you still have such a wonderful testimony and you are an example for us all, of God’s sovereignty and love no matter what difficulties we go through in this life. Continuing to pray for you, my sweet sister.
Sandy, thank you much for sharing your heart. I don’t know what it’s like to struggle with the reality of loving a spouse who has slowly slipped away. So I need your testimony and your story. I need to learn how God upholds you, and how He provides for you, and how he keeps you in his hand. Because I will face (and do face) other life challenges, a and your testimony helps me love God and trust him with my “stuff”. (Reading Randy Alcorn’s book on Heaven had helped me hugely to look beyond the momentary suffering of life here, focusing on the grandness of what is to come. We have so much to look forward to!)
Oh Sandy.. I cannot even imagine how tired you are. I see the Lord so much in your everyday. I know when I look at you, it is only by the grace of God you can continue caring about others with a smile on your face. I will be praying for your health. I too get migraines and without the ability to lay down, they are nearly impossible to get rid of. I didn’t realize Curt had been placed in Hospice Care. I will continue to pray for strength and peace for all of you! You are an amazing lady and I know you’re probably sick of hearing this but AN INSPIRATION. God goes with you and it is so obvious. Thank you for always being transparent in your journey. Hugs, love, and prayer!
No need to be embarrassed at all. You have plenty on your plate. I am so sorry Curt is in need of hospice care now. Praying for you all.
Madi and I went to see Curt tonight. He kept asking for his hunny! His sense of humor is so charming, Tyler had him laughing out loud and we were definitely disturbing Dr. Kim, who was trying to sleep. Please know I’m here for you, whether it be a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, a good long walk, or just to sit and talk, lean on your friends, we want to help in any way we can. Sometimes that just means hanging out in sweats and watching a movie. Let me know if I can help out in any way for you at home or work. God has given you amazing strength to handle all of this and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed because you truly are doing it all. You are all in our prayers everyday, and we want to help in any way that we can. Love you my friend,
Sam, thanks for the update. I am so sorry that things are so hard right now. I will be praying for God’s strength in your weakness and that he will give you everything you need for each day. Continue to seek him Sam and He will give you all that you need. Love you!
Praying for you and your family – this journey was so difficult with my mom and I can’t even imagine it with my sweetie… asking God to overwhelm you with His love and peace.
Sandy, thanks for being so honest and genuine in your blog posts. Knowing that you totally have faith in Christ and are trusting along the way encourages anyone with is reading your blog.I can’t imagine what it is like to be going through what you are in your own journey, but I DO know God is good and has a purpose for everything. Stay close to him and keep trusting him – you are his daughter and he loves you. You will be rewarded someday for your faithfulness. Sorry to hear that Curt is in hospice.You are in my prayers